in sickness
About a month ago I started attending a class at the YMCA, LiveSTRONG, where Malory, Meg and I are members. The class is designed for those who have survived cancer to get them back to the gym, slowly. It is designed to strengthen participants physical fitness in areas of cardiovascular health, muscular endurance, flexibility, balance, and coordination. We are learning different ways to exercise, not only at the gym but also at home. We have used the machines, free weights, bands and exercise ropes, balls, learned stretches and TRX. The class is 12 weeks long. We learned the rules on how to play pickleball but didn’t really play. It was more for fun. We are going to take a line-dance class, and eventually go to the pool and learn exercises there. I’m not sure what all the next few weeks will hold but I look forward to my Monday and Wednesday afternoon class. There are only 5 of us but I like the smallness of the group. Two of the ladies and I have already decided once the class is over, we are going to continue meeting those days because we are already doing it and it’s accountability. We are even going to have a “graduation” ceremony on our last day.
When Malory told me about the class, she said that our trainer at the Y had recommended me going. They thought it would be good for me. I thought they were silly. I didn’t need to add something else to my plate, but I was willing to give it a try because they recommended it. I am so glad I did. Not only for the workout but for the time after the workout. Once we are finished doing our exercising, we meet and talk. Sometimes it’s funny things and other times it is more serious. We get to know each other and share experiences. There is a couple that have been married close to 50 years and have both survived cancer and then the other 2 ladies that I mentioned already. The leader has also survived cancer, so she knows what she is talking about.
In our class Monday we were asked one question. If we could change anything about our cancer journey, what would it be? I immediately answered, I would have had Mark be there with me. I know it seems like a selfish thing to wish that, but it is what I thought. After all, I had been with him through all his sickness so why wasn’t he able to be here for mine? It wasn’t a “feel sorry for me moment” or “woe is me” but just an honest answer. He is whole and healed in heaven, so I am ultimately good with where he is. I really don’t have a choice in it anyway! But every now and then I do have a fleeting thought of wishing him here. I don’t think it’s a selfish thing to wish but more a human thing. I miss him so it’s natural! I know he is where he is supposed to be and 99% of the time I am good with that. It’s that pesky 1% that sometimes comes up.
I miss him for a lot of different reasons. Some of the times I miss him most are often associated with me being sick. Yes, husbands are notoriously known for being like toddlers when they are sick, and Mark was no different. He used to say, honey, will you see if I have a fever? I would grudgingly go over and say really? No, it’s just a cold! I took care of him though, and he always did his best to make sure I was taken care of when I wasn’t feeling well. No, not like I did him because I was at home when he was sick while he went to work when I got sick. But when he would get home he was always watching out for me. My daughters do a good job of taking care of me but it’s just not the same.
I ended up sick this week and it has been a hard week. That could be why I was so emotional in my response on Monday. I didn’t get sick until Tuesday, but my body must have known something was coming. I have been in bed for a few days, and it has been in some of those moments that I wish he was here. Yes, it’s emotional and it’s ok. I always cry a bit and then I am good.
Please do not feel sorry for me. That isn’t what this is about. It is about me just being open and honest about my feelings and emotions this week. It is some of the things I go through and get to fully depend on the Lord. He gives me the strength to stay strong.
Isaiah 41:10 I will strengthen you, I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
Philippians 4: 19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
I know I am not the only one to go through times like this. The one thing I want to remember is that God has me in His hands! He is taking care of me, and I want to make sure I am thankful for what He is doing for me. Proverbs 17:22 says, A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. I want to stay joyful always!
Are you joyful today? Remind yourself what you have to be joyful for. I know that helps me to remember all He has done for me and continues to do.
Confident in His love
Isaiah 54:10
