never the same again

Well, it has been a while since I have shared with you, so I thought it was time to start again. The last time I wrote was in November and then took some time off. Not on purpose but it is just how it happened. When the words wouldn’t come, I began realizing why. This last year was the hardest holiday season without Mark.

Why was this one different? I am not sure, but I know it was. I have some dear friends, who are also widows, and several of us experienced the same thing. It had been the same number of years since our husbands passed and this last year hit us all hard. Not hard enough to knock us down or keep us from celebrating but just hard enough to be missing them more.

I was talking with my friend, let’s call her Esther, in November and she asked if I was struggling more this year than most? Yes! I thought it might just be me but no! We were so glad that we understood where each other was coming from. I told her I thought for me it was that I was excited about the holidays for the first time in a while. The year Mark passed I still celebrated because it was important to my girls and family. I didn’t want to get stuck not celebrating because I knew he would want us to keep our traditions and celebrate why the season was important. That was and is Jesus.

Since Mark has passed, I had not put up a tree until 2023 and it was a very sad tree. (Come to think of it, I don’t think we put one up the last year or two he was sick. If we did, it was the bare minimum). I didn’t have a lot of ornaments, but I was trying. Mama to the rescue! In November of 2023 I met her for lunch and a fun shopping spree. I think she may have known how hard it was going to be, putting up a new tree and figuring out what style and ornaments I wanted. We shopped for a while, and she bought all my new ornaments. She will never understand how much that meant to me! Sometimes it is just the little things!  

Fast-forward to last year and like anything else, the tree needed to be added to. It needed some fillers, and I needed to make the top POP! IYKYK! Jody, my best friend, came to my rescue! She came the week before Thanksgiving and put it all together. If you had told me there would ever be a time in my life I would have pink in my Christmas tree I would have laughed at you. (Mark definitely would not have approved. Although, he may have said if you and the girls like it that is ok. After all, we didn’t get a say in the outside Christmas lights that weren’t allowed to be colored. They must be white!) Well, who is laughing now? Me! I do have pink incorporated into the tree and it looks amazing. I love it so much. And it is still up!

Our tree while the girls were growing up was a combination of ornaments for all of us with a scattering of lights and ribbon. It was always a fun tree to see all the places and things that meant different things to us that year. It was fun to see the ornaments go up year to year and remember when. When Meg was in first or second grade, she made an acorn ornament and placed in it what she wanted to be when she grew up. It was to stay sealed until her 18th year. We were all so excited to see what she put. Well, her 18th Christmas came, and she got to open it up. It said she wanted to be a babysitter and as it happened, she was doing what she wanted. She still does, only now she is the best auntie babysitter for her niece and nephew. She is still doing what she loves. Mark had a ton of Starbucks ornaments. The man loved his coffee! I had enough ornaments for a small western/Texas tree. We did live in CA for 17 years and I had to represent Texas! Go Big or Go Home! We had ornaments from zoos, vacations, sports, first year married and baby’s first year, and of course, the ornaments the girls made in school or church. Yes, they included the famous handprint antlers and angels made from a toilet paper roll. That angel made from a toilet paper roll was our tree topper for 20 years! Now the girls have their own families, and I have given them their own ornaments to share with their children.  

Last year was the first year in five that I put up my Nativity scene and all my Christmas decorations. It was the first time in 5 years that my Nativity scene was put up. It is the Willow Tree set, and it is large! It takes up a lot of room and takes a while to put up. I also put out my New England village set and got some additional pieces. I already have ideas on how to make it look really good this year.

 Another good thing to come out of this was I cleaned out 33 years of decorations for Christmas and was able to give away so much. It felt good to do that. There are a couple of things I will do this coming Christmas now that I am enjoying the season again. I will have an additional tree (a small one) that will have Meagan’s ornaments and those ornaments Mark and I collected through the years. I want my grandkids to see and be able to add their own to it. I plan to put up the train that we loved watching every year. That may be another difficult one for me, but I will do it! Ethan is my only grandchild who really knows and has seen it. Now I want all the grandkids to see and enjoy it. Allie was too little to remember but I do have a picture of her and Ethan in front of it the last Christmas Mark was with us.

I know Mark loved Christmas with all that it entailed but he knew the real meaning and we made sure to raise the girls knowing that meaning. We had traditions with the girls growing up and I have made sure to try and honor and keep those. But, as time has gone by, the girls have their own families and are forming their own traditions. I love seeing that. Our Christmas morning would include waking up to Mark’s breakfast. He would make cinnamon rolls or French toast. He loved doing that and I loved that he helped that day. We always read the Christmas story before we opened presents and took the Lord’s Supper. For us, the most important thing was to keep Jesus at the center. Then presents and yes, we all loved that part! Who doesn’t love presents? Traditions are so amazing, but they can and probably will change through the years. I have had to let go of some, not all, but I am trying to make new ones.

 What I know is that it will never be the same again. But you know what? That is OK. It can still be great! It is what we make it! Mark was missed and will always be missed. I imagine he would be so happy that I was once again celebrating. I also know that there were those who struggled with celebrating and that is ok. This past Christmas was especially difficult for my Colorado family. We lost my amazing mother-in-law very quickly in September and then my father-in-law had to go into a memory care facility. It was a very rough end of the year for them. I also have friends who had recently lost a husband. Hurricane Helene hit and devastated so many areas on the east coast and more. So many lost everything!

But God! I know it isn’t easy but God in His infinite love and mercy sees us where we are and loves us. He knows what you and I need, when we need it, and He will be there to provide a way for us to enjoy whatever it is we need to enjoy again. He knew it was time for me to enjoy the holidays again and make them joyful, not only for me but for my family. In Him only could I do this! Ephesians 3:16-19 - “I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”

Looking back to almost 5 months ago and this month being the 4th anniversary of the day Mark met Jesus, I can say with confidence that I am doing well. I survived the holidays with the help of the Lord, my daughter, Meg and my family. Now, I am looking forward to this holiday season!

I know it may be silly to talk about Christmas and the holiday season in April but my prayer is that someone needs this for this coming year. It will never be the same again but be encouraged that the holiday season can be once again joyful.