One of those days
Have you ever had one of those days where you wish you had someone to talk to? Someone who would listen to you and let you talk and/or cry. Someone who didn’t need to fix the problem but just listen. And once you were done talking, crying or whatever it was you needed, they just hugged you. Maybe they said nothing, maybe they said I am always here, maybe they said I’m sorry I don’t understand but I will always listen, maybe they said I love you. Someone who understood what you were going through and if they didn’t understand it all because we are all created different, they understood the basics. Someone you could talk to about life, kids, grandkids, family, finances, health and just life in general. You know who that someone is for you and chances are if you are a widow, they are not here with you anymore.
That someone for me was my husband and I am really missing him right now. I have been missing him more the last couple of months. I know it is selfish to wish him here with me, but man do I miss him. The first year he was gone I had so much to do. I moved from where we were in Houston to Dallas. It was a good move, and I am so glad I did it. I had a peace about it, and it has been good. With so much going on I felt like I didn’t have time to miss him like I was supposed to. And what it that really? Is there a right way to miss your spouse of 33 ½ years, 55 years, 5 years? No, I don’t think there is. The second year was a bit tougher, but I made it through. I had breast cancer, but it was caught early and is now gone. Thank the Lord for His healing. There were some things with the kids but again I made it through. Now I am facing year three and man has this year hit me more than the previous two. I don’t know why this year is so much harder, but I can make some guesses.
One guess is I feel settled. I am doing things I never thought I would have to do. I am making financial decisions and making decisions about medical insurance. I am so like a duck out of water in these situations, but I am learning. I am making everyday decisions that for the most part I made without him but at least I had him to talk to about them. I am traveling and spending time with our families. I have found a church and am attending a small group. I have made new friends. I am watching our daughters with their husbands and children build a life together.
My second guess is I feel like he should be here watching his grandkids growing up. They are all growing up so fast and I selfishly want Mark here watching these amazing, handsome, beautiful grandchildren we have and enjoying all the crazy and wonderful moments. Since he isn’t, I am doing my best to do it for us. He would love them all so much for all their unique and individual personalities…just like he did our girls.
My third guess would be that I am doing ministry without him. I grew up in ministry and once we got married, we did ministry together. When we were in church work, we each had our own ministry but still did some together. However, the last 6 years of his life we were doing ministry together. We coached couples in their marriage. By the time he got sick we had coached hundreds of couples together. We traveled all over the west and northwest by truck and trailer. We worked in different venues with my parents helping them in their ministry. We met and ministered to so many wonderful people. Now that he is gone I am still doing ministry, but it looks different. It has to because I am in a different season. I asked the Lord for a ministry without Mark and He has given me one.
As life continues without him it will look more and more different. Most days I know I am doing a good job but there are those days where it all comes over me in great waves of grief. I am living the life I know he would want me to live. He would want me to keep my joy, to find peace without him, to love on our daughters and their families, to honor our parents and love on our families, to make sure I am continuing in ministry, to know it is ok to live life and be joyous without him, to not feel guilty for living the best life I have. Why? Because I would want that for him. Here are a couple of Bible verses that help me. I love reading The Message version, so I added it along with the English Standard Version. I do know that if you allow the Lord to bring you people, He will use what you have been through to be a help and comfort to others. That is one of my biggest prayers; to be a comfort and help to others.
Romans 5:3-5 (MSG) There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
(ESV) Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (MSG) All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.
(ESV) Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
Confident in His love,
Isaiah 54:10
